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Abe Was A Great Precedent
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The
following are purported to be actual answers given by sixth
graders to history tests.
* - Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.
Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log
cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln
freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.
On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater
and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving
picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth,
a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
* - Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another
man of that name.
* - Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all
wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such
that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
* - Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow
through an apple while standing on his son's head.
* - Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so
deaf he wrote loud music.
He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was
calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died
for this.
* - Delegates from the original 13 states formed the
Contented Congress. Thomas
Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers
of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered
electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, A
horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin
died in 1790 and is still dead.
* - During the Renaissance America began. Christopher
Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while
cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina,
the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
* - Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History
calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place
for very long.
* - Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be
hanged twice for the same offense.
* - In midevil times most people were alliterate. The
greatest writer of the futile ages was
Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote
literature.
* - In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled
biscuits, and threw the java.
* - It was an age of great inventions and discoveries.
Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another
important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter
Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented
cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake
circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
* - Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by
Bernard Shaw.
* - Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and
had a large number of children. In between he practiced on
an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died
from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer
in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half
Italian and half English. He was very large.
* - Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields
of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought
he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out:"Tee
hee, Brutus."
* - Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was
called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one
for the settlers. Many died and many babies were born.
Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
* - Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable
time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book
called Candy. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is
chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling
off the trees.
* - Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they
made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any
ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten
commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
* - Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects
by playing the fiddle to them.
* - One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the
English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would
send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally
the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for
taxis.
* - Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a
queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her
troops they all shouted "hurrah."
* - Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around
giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an
overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a
dramatic decline.
* - Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred
porcupines.
* - Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted
to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the
people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
* - The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the
first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were
created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain,
asked, "Am I my brother's son?"
* - The French Revolution was accomplished before it
happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an
heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a
baroness, she couldn't have any children.
* - The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William
Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his
birthday. He never made much money and is famous only
because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and
hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet
are an example of a heroicouplet. Romeo's last wish was to
be laid by Juliet.
* - The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without
them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A
myth is a female moth.
* - The nineteenth century was a time of a great many
thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand
and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the
steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus
McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work
of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for
rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ
of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx
became one of the Marx brothers.
* - The sun never set on the British Empire because the
British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.
Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for
63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her
death was the final event which ended her reign.
* - Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel
Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was
John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died
and he wrote Paradise Regained. |
