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One
Liners
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Index
* - A CLEAR CONSCIENCE IS USUALLY A SIGN OF A
BAD MEMORY!
* - IF YOU MUST BORROW MONEY, BORROW IT FROM A PESSIMIST -- THEY
DON'T EXPECT IT BACK!
* - THE ONLY PERFECT SCIENCE IS HINDSIGHT.
* - EVERYONE HAS A PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY. IT'S JUST THAT SOME DON'T
HAVE ANY FILM!
* - A PROCRASTINATOR'S WORK IS NEVER DONE.
* - A PENNY SAVED IS A CONGRESSIONAL OVERSIGHT.
* - DESPITE THE HIGH COST OF LIVING, IT REMAINS POPULAR.
* - HE WHO SMILES IN A CRISIS HAS FOUND SOMEONE TO BLAME.
* - I LIKE KIDS, BUT I DON'T THINK I COULD EAT A WHOLE ONE.
* - EVEN CRIME WOULDN'T PAY IF THE GOVERNMENT RAN IT.
* - ACTUAL HEADLINE : TEACHER STRIKES IDLE KIDS
* - ALWAYS TRY TO BE MODEST, AND BE PROUD OF IT!
* - ACTUAL HEADLINE : JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT
* - ALWAYS REMEMBER, YOU'RE UNIQUE, JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!
* - BEFORE YOU CRITICIZE SOMEONE, YOU SHOULD WALK A MILE IN THEIR
SHOES. THAT WAY, WHEN YOU CRITICIZE THEM YOU ARE A MILE AWAY AND
YOU HAVE THEIR SHOES!
* - HIRE TEENAGERS WHILE THEY KNOW EVERYTHING!!
* - EXPERIENCE IS SOMETHING YOU DON'T GET UNTIL JUST AFTER YOU
NEEDED IT!
* - GIVE A MAN A FISH AND HE WILL EAT FOR A DAY. TEACH HIM HOW TO
FISH AND HE WILL SIT IN BOAT AND DRINK BEER ALL DAY!
* - THE EARLY BIRD MAY GET THE WORM, BUT THE SECOND MOUSE GETS THE
CHEESE!
* - WHAT DO ADVERTISEMENTS MEAN WHEN THEY SAY FREE GIFT? AREN'T
ALL GIFTS FREE?
* - TIME IS THE BEST TEACHER. HOWEVER, IT KILLS ALL OF ITS
STUDENTS!
* - THE EASIEST WAY TO DOUBLE YOUR MONEY IS TO FOLD IT IN HALF AND
STICK IT BACK IN YOUR POCKET!
* - TO ERR IS HUMAN, BUT TO REALLY SCREW UP YOU NEED A COMPUTER!
* - NEVER ASK BARBER IF HE THINKS YOU NEED A HAIRCUT!
* - NEVER DO CARD TRICKS FOR THE PEOPLE YOU PLAY POKER WITH!
* - MAKE IT IDIOT PROOF AND SOMEONE WILL MAKE A BETTER IDIOT!
* - 99 PERCENT OF LAWYERS GIVE THE REST A BAD NAME.
* - A BARTENDER IS JUST A PHARMACIST WITH A LIMITED INVENTORY.
* - ANYTHING WORTH TAKING SERIOUSLY IS WORTH MAKING FUN OF.
* - BETTER TO UNDERSTAND A LITTLE THAN TO MISUNDERSTAND A LOT.
* - BILLS TRAVEL THROUGH THE MAIL AT TWICE THE SPEED OF CHECKS.
* - CHANGE IS INEVITABLE, EXCEPT FROM A VENDING MACHINE.
* - CONSCIOUSNESS: THAT ANNOYING TIME BETWEEN NAPS.
* - CORDUROY PILLOWS: THEY'RE MAKING HEADLINES!
* - DON'T BE IRREPLACEABLE; IF YOU CAN'T BE REPLACED, YOU CAN'T BE
PROMOTED.
* - DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE. YOU MIGHT HIT A BUMP AND SPILL YOUR
DRINK.
* - EAGLES MAY SOAR, BUT WEASELS DON'T GET SUCKED INTO JET
ENGINES.
* - FEW WOMEN ADMIT THEIR AGE. FEW MEN ACT THEIRS.
* - FOR EVERY ACTION THERE IS AN EQUAL AND OPPOSITE CRITICISM.
* - FRIENDS MAY COME AND GO, BUT ENEMIES TEND TO ACCUMULATE.
* - HE WHO LAUGHS LAST THINKS SLOWEST.
* - HONK IF YOU LOVE PEACE AND QUIET.
* - HOW DOES TEFLON STICK TO THE PAN?
* - HOW MANY OF YOU BELIEVE IN TELEKINESIS? RAISE MY HAND.
* - I DIDN'T SAY IT WAS YOUR FAULT. I SAID I WAS GOING TO BLAME
YOU.
* - I GET ENOUGH EXERCISE JUST PUSHING MY LUCK.
* - I TRIED SNIFFING COKE ONCE, BUT THE ICE CUBES GOT STUCK IN MY
NOSE.
* - I USED TO HAVE A HANDLE ON LIFE, AND THEN IT BROKE.
* - I USED TO HAVE AN OPEN MIND BUT MY BRAINS KEPT FALLING OUT.
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