Rodney Dangerfield
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* - When I was born, the doctor told my mother, "I did all I could do, but he pulled through anyway."
* - When I was born I got no respect. After the doctor slapped me, the nurses got in a few.
* - For my birthday, my old man showed me a picture of a cake. I sat there all day trying to blow out the candles.
* - Until I was six years old I thought Alpo was baby food.
* - My old man told me never to take candy from a stranger--unless he offered me a ride.
* - I was an ugly kid. Every time my ole man wanted sex, my mother showed him my picture.
* - When I was a kid I had plenty of pimples. I fell asleep in the library and when I woke up a blind man was reading my face.
* - In the park I had no friends. I remember the seesaw. I had to keep running from end to the other.
* - When I was a kid I got no respect at all. Why, my yo-yo, it never came back.
* - I asked my ole man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me to wait till it gets warmer.
* - I remember one day, I told my old man "I'm sick and tired of running around in circles." He had nailed down my other foot.
* - Once I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
* - When I was a kid it was different. I had it rough. My ole man kept taking me to the zoo. I found out he was trying to make a trade
* - When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me, and nobody showed up.
* - I looked up my family tree--two dogs were using it.
* - My ole man told me to start at the bottom. He was teaching me to swim.
* - I didn't get respect from anyone. My twin brother forgot my birthday.
* - My uncle's dying wish was that he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
* - My old man gave the lifeguard $5.00 to keep an eye off me.
* - My old man took me hunting. On the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.
* - My old man was dumb. One time he picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and tried to make a run for it.
* - My old man was strict. He allowed no drinking in the house. I had two brothers who died of thirst.
* - My old man still carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
* - My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
* - At Easter my folks gave me chocolate bunnies made of Exlax.
* - I don't get no respect from anyone. One time I wanted to jump of the roof. A priest come up to talk to me. He said, "On your mark."
* - Once I was in a bar. They told me to get out. They wanted to start happy hour.
* - With girls I never had any luck. I made love to an inflatable girl. Now I've got an inflatable guy looking for me.
* - One time I had a blind date. I waited two hour on the corner. A girl walked by. I said, "Are you Louise?" She said, "Are you Rodney?" I said, "Yeah." She said, "I'm not Louise."
* - I'll tell ya, girls never went for me. I took out a belly dancer. She told me I turned her stomach.
* - A hooker once told me she had a headache.
* - I went to a discount massage parlor. It was self-service.
* - This girl was ugly. When she went to a plastic surgeon. He added a tail.
* - This girl was ugly. When she walked into a room mice jumped on chairs.
* - My girlfriend was so fat her bathtub had stretch marks.
* - My girlfriend was so fat her belly button made an echo.
* - One day I hit my fat girlfriend with my car. When she asked why I didn't go around her, I told her I didn't have enough gas.
* - My girlfriend was so fat when she went swimming she left a ring around the lake.
* - My wife can't cook at all. When we have a picnic I bring along Tums for the ants.
* - My wife is such a bad cook I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.
* - I told my wife when I die I wanted to be cremated. She's planning a barbecue.
* - One time a guy stole the car. I asked my wife if she saw what the guy looked like. She said, "No, but I got the license plate number."
* - Before we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.
* - I asked a cab driver, "Where can I find some action?" He took me to my house.'
* - One night I figured I'd let my wife make the first move. She went to Florida.
* - I told my kid. "Someday you'll have kids of your own." He said. "So will you."
* - I told my doctor I want to have a vasectomy. He said that with a face like mine I don't need one.
* - What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.
* - I told my psychiatrist I have suicidal tendencies. He told me to from now on I have to pay in advance.
* - My doctor told me to run five miles for two weeks. I called him up and said, "Hey Doc, I'm seventy miles from my house."
* - I don't get no respect from anyone. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.
* - I called Gamblers Anonymous. They gave me two-to-one odds I wouldn't make it.
* - I don't get no respect from anyone. I met the Surgeon General. He offered me a cigarette.
* - My bank told me they'll give me a gift if I'd close my account.